November 5, 2008
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if you know something is stupid, even impossible, but you still hold on to it, does that mean you are destructive? or does it mean that you are brave? that you actually dare to dream? is it about hope or stupidity in the end? what is the motivation? the underlying urge that drives you to hold on to even the most impossible of fantasies? that is what i am trying to figure out. are my dreams an expression of my destructiveness or of my courage? i have been told i have plenty of both, but which of them is at play here? at this very moment? or is it case of mistaken identity? all the courageous things i have done, maybe they were all just based on the desire to let go and fall. i have told myself it was all about survival, but now i am not so sure. wouldn’t it have been easier to just stick with the programme? to comply, adjust?
i am always on my way. somewhere else. anywhere that isn’t here. is that about escape or evolution? and will i ever arrive? will i ever get there? to that place that i long for. the place where i can finally relax. where i can finally feel at ease.
yes, all these questions that clutter my brain. seems it’s gotten worse. and i suspect i am the only cause. i am the one that keeps complicating things. that always has to go too far. i try to get out of the maze but every attempt just brings my further inside. and i get lost. in my own head tangled up in thoughts. “should i do this?” and then a million pros and cons. “and what if i do, what if i don’t?” what if i try and fail?
but in the end it always comes down to this. what if i don’t try? then i will never know. and i always have to know. always. so i do try. and i do fail. a lot. but at least i always try. and maybe that’s what it’s really all about. trying.