– feeds your head

Monthly Archives: November 2008


i hate waiting, yet i find myself doing exactly that all too often. i wait for other people, i wait for trains, i wait for things to start. and it’s the last thing i hate the most because that expands into my very existence. i wait for something to happen. i wait for that one thing that will change my life, make all the pieces fall into place. even tough, rationally, i know that it will most likely never happen. there are no such events in life. it just doesn’t happen like that. it is a myth. because the pieces will actually never fit. they are not made to fit. we may think so, hope so, but they just aren’t carved like that. the puzzle will stay incomplete. it will just never fit. not matter how hard we try to make it, it just won’t. because that’s life. a random row of events that simply do not make sense. there is no plan. all we do is stumble around in this world and try to convince ourselves that what we do actually does make sense. that it actually has a meaning. but deep down we all know that’s just a lie we use to not go insane. something we tell ourselves to get the strength to go on. to keep facing all the pointless events of life. you love and you lose and you try and you fail. and you keep on trying even though you know there is absolutely no point. in the end we die no matter what we have done when we lived. it is all completely and utterly pointless. Read more of this post

the freak and the fear

as long as i can remember people have been telling me i am weird. and if they want to be nice they say i am a “very special person”. and i am a freak. and i’m fine with that. but i do get confused a lot. by people and their actions. i constantly find myself wondering what actually happened. people say and do the strangest things and sometimes i just have a very hard time figuring out why.

a lot of times i think it has to do with selfishness. most people are not capable of reflecting on their own behaviour, to put themselves in perspective, realise that the universe does not revolve around them. actions have consequences and all the things you do have an impact. we are not alone in the world. but looking at the way people act it they appear to be oblivious to this. everyone is so preoccupied with themselves they don’t even notice the world around them. and they never stop to look at their own role in what happens. it’s like they don’t understand that it is a question about input and output. that their reactions determine the responses they get. that you are responsible for your own life. you can’t change the world or the people in it, all you can change is how you react to it. and i have a really hard time understanding why this isn’t obvious to everyone. Read more of this post


i have a thing for voices. i have had it as long as i can remember. i remember how i used to love to my grandmother when she was telling us stories. sure, it was about the stories, but it was just as much about her voice. the way the sound of her voice could just send me off into another world. i just loved to listen to her voice. loved they way that voice made me feel, the places it took me to.

and as i grew older i found more voices like that. many of them in music. like blixa bargeld, pj harvey, david bowie, björk. or jeff buckley. one of the absolute giants. all the nuances, the desperation, the passion. the amount of expression. all the emotion conveyed. it blows me away. the places he must have gone to to get that sound, find that flow. the waves he must have ridden. what he did was simply magical. what he still does. i just wish i could have experienced it once face to face. to actually have been in the same room when he was riding those waves. but when he died i didn’t even know he existed. Read more of this post

music theory

i am trying to figure out if there is any connection between the music i like. is there anything linking jeff buckley, carcass, aphex twin, beastie boys and mussorgsky? and i am thinking there must be. either music moves me or it doesn’t and i wonder what it is that stirs me.

i pay a lot of attention to music. if i hate the music that’s on i really have trouble holding it together. it gets to me. gets on my nerves. if i am in a place where i can’t stand the music is being played i really have to get out. bad music really makes me feel like shit. and i think that where music hits me – in my mood. that’s why the music has to fit. i can’t listen to isis if i don’t feel like isis. and i can’t listen to the hidden cameras if i don’t feel like the hidden cameras. but i really like both bands. do they have anything in common? well i suppose so. Read more of this post

Alcohol and solitude.

There are a lot of intoxicating substances that are illegal in our society. They have been given this status because they are claimed to be a threat to public health, and through their status as illegal all consumers of these substances become criminals with all the stigma that involves. In addition to this, since these substances are propagated as being dangerous, anyone who uses them will also be considered stupid and destructive. Then there are some intoxicating substances that are not illegal, like alcohol, and this puzzles me because if there is one drug that really makes people stupid and destructive it’s alcohol. Drunk people are extremely annoying for so many reasons. They are slow, clumsy and violent. When you are drunk you turn into a more primitive version of yourself. A person that will do and say things you wouldn’t dream of when you are sober. But for some reason this is ok because you are drunk. It’s sanctioned by all social rules. You go out, get drunk and make a complete fool of yourself and forget half the things you have said and done and wake up with a headache and nausea and then you tell yourself you must have had a really great night last night. Yeah, for sure… Read more of this post

graffiti – a free open air gallery

stupidity always makes me angry. and most of the time the political opinions about graffiti are insanely stupid. “we must wage war against graffiti. it is a danger to society and creates an environment of insecurity and encourages crime.” ok, like how? how is it dangerous that people create art on walls in our public space? how does that create insecurity? and encourage crime? people see graffiti and think: “oh there’s graffiti here, let’s go mug people and break things”? i don’t think so. there is a huge gap in the logic here. so huge that i am surprised anyone actually believes this shit, but people actually do. and that is scary. i just read a survey in a newspaper and according to that 70% of the people said they were bothered by graffiti. ok… what about all the huge advertisements that are everywhere that are trying to make you buy even more shit you don’t need? anyone finding that annoying? i sure as hell do. but they are allowed to put their shit everywhere. they are not considered a threat to public safety. so it’s better for the public to have a huge advertisement that further feeds the idea and the notion that the only way to get happy is to consume than to get to look at art for free? is that the real problem here? that it is for free? they didn’t ask for permission and they didn’t pay for the space hence it has to be bad for society? there is no money here yo! no one payed and no one is trying to make anyone buy shit. oh scary! Read more of this post

the smallest things

sometimes it doesn’t really take much to make or break you. the smallest shade of light at the end of the tunnel is enough to give you the strength to go on. to take that next step. to not give up. in spite of all the shit there is still a reason to go on. you get a sign that not everything is messed up just when you need it the most and that is enough to to keep you from going under. just that one sign. you don’t need much but you do need something.

and i did get something. room to breathe. time to re-group. get ready for the next blow. sometimes the universe does give you a break. and i am thankful. i really needed it. now i can get on up again. the shit stopped falling. at least for now.


if you know something is stupid, even impossible, but you still hold on to it, does that mean you are destructive? or does it mean that you are brave? that you actually dare to dream? is it about hope or stupidity in the end? what is the motivation? the underlying urge that drives you to hold on to even the most impossible of fantasies? that is what i am trying to figure out. are my dreams an expression of my destructiveness or of my courage? i have been told i have plenty of both, but which of them is at play here? at this very moment? or is it case of mistaken identity? all the courageous things i have done, maybe they were all just based on the desire to let go and fall. i have told myself it was all about survival, but now i am not so sure. wouldn’t it have been easier to just stick with the programme? to comply, adjust? Read more of this post

the shit keeps falling.

when it rains it pours. creating a flood that drags you down to the bottom. back into the hole. but there comes a point when all you can do is laugh about it. because it is all just too fucking much. too much of anything just becomes ridiculous. and that applies to shit too. there is only so much you can take before it just gets silly. and then all you can do is laugh. because it is really fucking hilarious just how much things can suck and go wrong all at the exact same time. all the disasters just amount to one great big fucking joke. the universe is fucking you over big time. just toying with you. “let’s se how you cope with this shit i throw at you. right in your face sucker.” so what else is left in the end, but to laugh like the sucker you are. it is all just too damned stupid. and it almost becomes exciting to see just how much worse it can actually get. so as you drag yourself up from the floor and brace yourself for the next blow, you can’t help smiling because it’s all really just too silly.

“how do you cope? how do you manage?” i get up and i laugh. what other options are there? it’s my shit and no one else will deal with it for me, so i deal with it. i get up. but i do laugh about it. a lot.

at the end of the day or the beginning of the next one

there is something about night-time. something that just makes everything appear much clearer. the absurdities of life become apparent without the distraction of daylight. and everything that seems normal suddenly becomes surreal. it’s as if there is more room to reflect. less people awake cluttering the space with their thoughts.

the rules change at night. things that would be unthinkable in daylight are suddenly allowed. there is refuge in the dark. more tolerance. more room. the liberty to be more honest about who we really are. the questions we never ask suddenly stares us in the face. and we can sink into ourselves. if we dare.

maybe it is not really the dark we are afraid of, maybe it’s ourselves.

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