the freak and the fear
November 9, 2008
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as long as i can remember people have been telling me i am weird. and if they want to be nice they say i am a “very special person”. and i am a freak. and i’m fine with that. but i do get confused a lot. by people and their actions. i constantly find myself wondering what actually happened. people say and do the strangest things and sometimes i just have a very hard time figuring out why.
a lot of times i think it has to do with selfishness. most people are not capable of reflecting on their own behaviour, to put themselves in perspective, realise that the universe does not revolve around them. actions have consequences and all the things you do have an impact. we are not alone in the world. but looking at the way people act it they appear to be oblivious to this. everyone is so preoccupied with themselves they don’t even notice the world around them. and they never stop to look at their own role in what happens. it’s like they don’t understand that it is a question about input and output. that their reactions determine the responses they get. that you are responsible for your own life. you can’t change the world or the people in it, all you can change is how you react to it. and i have a really hard time understanding why this isn’t obvious to everyone.
the world may not be as it appears to be and your perception of an event may not be accurate. reflection is always advisable. even if the insights gained may be unpleasant.
but i suppose people are scared and they let their fear govern them. fear appears to be the main motivator and people will do anything to avoid the things they are afraid of. at any cost. and fear is blinding. makes you even less able to see what is actually going on around you and it will make you do the cruelest things. and we are most afraid of things we do not understand. but instead of trying to understand most people start running. anything to get away from the discomfort. and that is what i can’t understand.
there are many things i am afraid of, but i don’t want to run, i want to understand. i want to confront the fear, to understand why i am afraid because i know that is the only way the fear will stop riding me. it is the only way to be free. and that is all i want. to be free. because that is the one thing that truly scares me, to get suppressed and held captive by my own fears. and the only way to prevent that is to confront your fears. to bring them out into the light and put them in proportion. nothing is ever as scary as it seems once you have a closer look at it. and only when you have the courage to really look at the fear will it dissolve.
but it seems most people are comfortable with their fears. they hold on to them, make them their comfort zones. use all the things that scare them to define the boundaries of their lives. they build their own prisons and call them homes. and that is what i can’t understand. why would you voluntarily give up your freedom for comfort and security? how can that be more desirable? why would you focus on being alive rather than actually living?
maybe i really am weird, but i just think there is a whole lot more to life than just being alive. and i’d rather be free than safe. always.