November 9, 2008
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i hate waiting, yet i find myself doing exactly that all too often. i wait for other people, i wait for trains, i wait for things to start. and it’s the last thing i hate the most because that expands into my very existence. i wait for something to happen. i wait for that one thing that will change my life, make all the pieces fall into place. even tough, rationally, i know that it will most likely never happen. there are no such events in life. it just doesn’t happen like that. it is a myth. because the pieces will actually never fit. they are not made to fit. we may think so, hope so, but they just aren’t carved like that. the puzzle will stay incomplete. it will just never fit. not matter how hard we try to make it, it just won’t. because that’s life. a random row of events that simply do not make sense. there is no plan. all we do is stumble around in this world and try to convince ourselves that what we do actually does make sense. that it actually has a meaning. but deep down we all know that’s just a lie we use to not go insane. something we tell ourselves to get the strength to go on. to keep facing all the pointless events of life. you love and you lose and you try and you fail. and you keep on trying even though you know there is absolutely no point. in the end we die no matter what we have done when we lived. it is all completely and utterly pointless.
and i know that. i am fully aware of it, and yet i wait. because there is still that one small shred of hope that i will be wrong and that there actually is a way to make the pieces fit. that there is actually a plan. that it does all make sense somehow. all i have to do is keep on trying. and i do. i keep trying. and i keep waiting. i keep waiting for something i know will never come, but i just can’t help myself. it’s pointless, but then again, since it is indeed all pointless, what does it matter if i wait?