– feeds your head

tea bag face slap

I know it’s easy to see synchronicities where there actually might not be any, but still. I was making a cup of tea and with this particular tea every teabag comes with some words of supposedly eastern wisdom. And even before I looked I just knew that today’s words of wisdom were going to be a slap in the face. And so it was: “The head has to bow to the heart.” Oh yeah fuck me. Because obviously that’s precisely what I have been obsessing about for the past days – why the heart just can’t seem to get with the program. Why the heart just refuses to listen to any type of logical arguments. And if I was a different person I might have seen this act of universal face slapping as a sign and settled in on the realization that “oh my god it is true” but seeing as I am in fact me, I saw it as an incitement to dig deeper. I almost always do. I just don’t buy it. “The head has to bow to the heart.” Bite me, that’s bullshit. Even the heart has to have a reason and a reason can be found out. A reason can be understood. And there is a reason for everything. The heart is no exception. Those alleged words of wisdom is just another way of saying that you shouldn’t think too much about some things. But I think you should. You should always think more. About everything. Some things may be difficult to understand but I refuse to accept that it is impossible. And no, love is not an exception. There are reasons for love to. They may not generally be categorized as reasonable reasons, but they do exist. We do not love without reason. Just like we don’t hate without reason. We don’t do anything without reason. There is always a motivator, something that sets the whole process in motion. Regardless of the process. There is always a reason. Always.

So what is the reason that my heart just won’t get with the program? Why will it not adhere to what logic tells it? I still don’t know. The slap in the face didn’t get me any close to the answer. But in a way that tea bag actually did manage tell me something. It told me that I had to direct my investigations to a different area. I already know all the logical reasons, and they are numerous and extremely well founded, of why my heart should stop with its foolish nostalgia, but I have no clue about the reasons my heart has for its disobedience. That is uncharted territory. Ergo my new mining site. And I am sure I’ll dig up some very messed up stuff, things I may not like very much, but I still want to see. I want to know what’s there. I want to see it and I want to understand it. Because if the head has to bow to the heart, it should at least be given a reason to do so. And I know there is a logic to my heart’s behavior, it may be twisted, but it is there. And once that logic has been identified that causality can be determined and that will reveal the reasons. And that’s actually all I really want. To understand.

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