“Oh, please don’t make me despise you.” I find myself thinking that more often than I would like. About men I thought I liked. Men I though were cool. Men where I saw friendship potential.
“Oh, please don’t make me despise you.” But he does. They almost always do. Why is that? You see an advance coming, you decline in a nice and polite way. A respectful way, a way that let’s them save face. You give them a really nice,hassle free exit, but they don’t take it. Why is that? I just don’t get it. Why do nice, sensible, intelligent, socially capable, intellectual men turn into irrational, despicable troglodytes? How does that happen? I really don’t get it. Men who are able to make intelligent and rational decisions and who are capable of highly sophisticated argumentation and analysis all of a sudden lose all capability of critical thinking and reason. How is that even possible? Or rather: how can you be so nice and still be an asshole?
Because it really is asshole behavior. To get a rejection, and a respectful one at that, and still persist, is really low. Despicable. To force the situation. To force me to have to repeat myself. Why do they do that? It’s degrading and disrespectful. I see an individual, a person. Someone I want to interact with on a social level. And all he sees is a potential fuck. It’s no longer about me as a person but about me as a sexual object. And I have no problem with being sexual, as long as it’s mutual. As long as I’m actually attracted to the person in question. But when I’m not, and I state that, and the advances still keep coming, that’s when the despise comes. I despise them for still trying. Even though I don’t really want to, because for some bizarre reason I still actually want to like them. As sick as it may sound, I do see that there’s more to them. That they do have several redeeming qualities, all the things that made me like them in the first place. But where the fuck do all those qualities suddenly go? What causes the transformation? I just don’t get it. And I really don’t want to write it off as hormones, because I just don’t buy the argument that humans are that governed by their primal instincts. Yes, we are animals, but we are animals capable of rational thinking, of planning and control. And in the case of the men I am talking about that is indeed very much the case. So it really can’t be hormones. But the other potential answer scares me just as much: The mating game and the gender roles. I just don’t want to think that these guys have bought in to the lie that a woman can always be persuaded, that it’s all part of the so-called “chase”. It’s not. There is no chase. If I say no, it actually means no. It doesn’t mean maybe or please try again. It means no. As in “no you are not getting in to my pants, not now, not ever”. Just plain no. It’s not really a statement that has to be interpreted or pondered, it’s actually pretty much as simple as it gets: NO. So why is that so hard to understand?
I guess the other part of the question is: why do I even bother? Why am I trying to be nice and respectful when they so obviously aren’t giving me the same courtesy? And above all, why do I still want to like them? Why am I willing to disregard this fact about them and focus on their other qualities? I even find myself thinking that maybe it’s even my fault, that I’m not clear enough or that I somehow encouraged them. But the rational part of my brain tells me that’s bullshit. There’s just one way to interpret no. And if I can’t be friendly to people I like without them thinking I want to sleep with them I might as well never talk to anyone ever again. Or start all my interactions with “please don’t mistake me being friendly with a desire to have sex with you” and I think that would have a negative effect on any further conversation efforts. But maybe that’s the only way. Or I am just being too misanthropic. But it’s seriously worrying. Am I really living in a world where I can’t be nice to a man without him thinking that’s a green light to have sex? I don’t want to think that. I don’t want to believe in that reality. And I think that’s why I turn to myself and my own behavior for answers. Because in a way that’s easier. If the reason lies within me there’s at least some sense of being able to change it. Easier but a lot more destructive. I take on responsibility for something that actually has nothing to do with me. If I say no to an advance of a sexual or romantic nature and you still persist you are an asshole. And it doesn’t matter how nice and intelligent you are in other situations, in that moment you are nothing but an asshole. And even more so for not realizing it yourself.
But that doesn’t give me the answer I am really looking for. And that’s the answer to the question of what I am supposed to do with that realization. I despise him for what he’s doing, but I know that there are good sides to him and I still like those sides. So what do I do then? How do I deal with that? How do you deal with all the nice guys who are also assholes? On a personal level. How do you do that without ending up self-destructively blaming yourself? I really don’t know. On a structural level it’s easier, more manageable, you can talk about patterns and theories, but when it comes to people you thought were your friends it just becomes very painful and disappointing. So what do you do? Where do you go from there? Because I don’t want to lead a separatist lifestyle, I’m too much of an idealist for that. I actually want to believe that change is possible, that we can transcend our genders and just be people. But on a personal level that belief is sometimes very difficult to maintain. Especially when someone you are having a real conversation with suddenly starts groping you or tries to kiss you. And at times like that I almost want to believe the biologist bullshit about hormones, it would be so much easier. But I can’t. Because I just don’t want to believe in that reality. I really want to believe that men are more than their hormones. I want to believe that mean are actually capable of intelligent reasoning and that they have the basic perception skills that would allow them to understand the word no. I do believe that. So why the fuck don’t they use those skills?
I am just so sick of having to write people off as assholes and I really wish I wouldn’t have to do that. I suppose I could put it all down to me being a bad judge of character, but not only would that land me right back in the self-destructive crap of blaming myself, it’s also not true. I do actually know a lot of men who aren’t assholes, who do manage to maintain a full brain functionality even in situations like these. So I can’t be that off in my assessments of people.
No, I really don’t know what causes this type of behavior, if it’s plain ignorance or a lack of respect, or a combination of both, but I really wish I wouldn’t have to think “please don’t make me despise you” ever again. And all it would take is a bit of reflection. A bit of respect. An ability to use your brain even if your blood is somewhere else. Just being able to understand the word NO. It really is that simple.