– feeds your head

Let’s talk about sex.



I am fully aware what I am about to write, the ideas and the stance I’m taking, may be considered offensive. Some people would probably say it’s politically incorrect and some would deem me down right sick in the head. But I don’t really care. Since I am fortunate enough to live in a part of the world where I am actually allowed to express my views fairly freely I intend to do exactly this. There’s no law that prohibits me from doing so, but there are plenty of prejudices and social rules that do. Convention as we like to call it. But fuck convention. And fuck prejudice.

A lot of people cling to the idea that our sexual preferences as human beings are determined by our biology and that they therefore are guided solely by our instincts of reproduction. Yes, it’s very naive, but never the less it’s a widely embraced belief that this is all part of our nature. By this logic anything that doesn’t serve the reproductive goal is deemed sick. Such as homosexuality. Strangely enough many of the people who advocate this idea has no issue with “sexy” lingerie, plastic tits or viagra. I suppose they are all to be considered as part of the reproductive effort. It’s ok for a man to get a hard on when he sees a woman with big tits and it’s sort of ok for a woman to admit that man with a six-pack  sends a surge of blood to her groin. Sort of. Because it’s not really appropriate for a woman to admit she’s horny. Good girls don’t do that. Still. Female sexuality is still very much a taboo. And yet, it’s supposed to be all about reproduction? Well, I suppose a woman doesn’t actually have to be turned on to get pregnant, rape will do the job too.

Yes, I know it sounds harsh, but how else can this massive hypocrisy be interpreted? Why aren’t women allowed to be horny? Why does it still raise eyebrows when you as a woman say the words “wet” and “pussy” in reference to your own experience of perceiving an object of desire? Eyebrows that remain in their original position if a man would say something similar. Aren’t women supposed to have a sexuality? Or is it that she’s not supposed to admit to having one? Even to herself. There are actually women out there who have never had an orgasm. Never. As in never in their lives. Just how tragic is that? And I am not talking about the women who have been brutalized by genital mutilation, what’s sometimes referred to as female circumcision, a term that doesn’t even come close to describing the horrendous crime this barbaric custom is, I am talking about women who actually have an intact clitoris and fully functioning vagina. Unlike the women who have had their genitals butchered, these women are still physically capable of actually having an orgasm and yet they never had. Why? Because they are so ridden with shame over their own sexuality they never even masturbated. It’s so mind-boggling, so immensely sick, that it feels like my brain will explode when I think about it. What kind of society deprives us of this fundamental kind of pleasure? Our society, that’s what kind. The one we live in right now, right here. Where a girl gets taught that she’s a whore if she ever admits to being horny.

Somewhere we went terribly wrong. Because in us humans, sex isn’t just about reproduction, regardless of what various fundamentalist idiots say. Sex is just as much about pleasure, enjoyment and indulgence as it is about making babies. And even those prone to look to the animal kingdom for examples know that. We fuck because we like it way more often than we do to make babies. Granted, we do have an overpopulation issue on our hands, but if we made babies every time we fucked, this planet would have been overpopulated thousands of years ago. We have sex mainly because sex is awesome. Or at least it’s supposed to be. But we have managed to attach so many deranged ideas to it that we seem to have completely lost track of that main point. Sex has become a political issue. And rightfully so, because as soon as ideas outside the realm of a basic consensual agreement enter the stage it’s time to get worried. And in our society this is so obviously the case. We have taken it so far that the whole ‘consensual agreement’ fundament itself has become very problematic. Our brains are so impregnated with various imperatives and conventions surrounding sex that we aren’t even sure what a ‘consensual agreement’ would even be like. Because how can we claim that there’s any element of consent when a woman can lose her entire social status over a one night stand? Or when a man will be cast out of his social circumstance if he admits that he likes other men? There is no element of consent there. None.

Our sexual preferences aren’t driven by reproductive instincts, they are driven by prejudice and fear of being cast out of our social context. There is indeed an underlying drive there, but it’s so well hidden in that mass of socially constructed bullshit that we couldn’t even begin to get track down where it comes from. It’s intimately tied in with our understanding of beauty, an understanding that’s completely invaded by cultural and social constructions. For instance plastic tits weren’t actually considered the norm just a decade ago and in the 70s being hairy was the essence of male sexiness. Not only are we looking at pure constructions, we’re also looking at a shifting ever-changing phenomenon. There’s nothing static about our sexual preferences, and the biologist morons with their theories about wide hips and broad shoulders are pretty much just that; morons clinging on to straws with the hope that they will be able to convince society that there is actually such a thing as “normality”. Unfortunately it seems to be working. In spite of the fact that all that’s needed to reject these theories is just a little bit of analytical thinking. Yes, we are animals, but we also live in apartment blocks, use smart phones and eat food that we know will eventually kill us, so the force of our instincts are, at best,very much debatable. In order to become “attractive to the opposite sex” we put silicone and nerve poison in out bodies even though the likelihood of those measures being anything but a highway to an agonizing and early death is pretty much zero. Our sex drive is an instinct, but our sexual preferences, in terms of what makes us horny, are not. And that’s why the whole “normal” and “natural” line of argumentation on this topic is pretty much as valid as invoking the Tooth Fairy. We learn what is acceptable sexual behavior the same way we learn what’s acceptable in other social situations. And it gets just as messed up.

So what was that offensive stance I was referring to in the beginning of this rant? Well, first of all it obviously has to do with lust. I am a woman and I do have a sex drive, as naughty and shameful as that might be, and that sex drive does indeed manifest itself in a desire to have sex and to masturbate. And when executed to my preference, I enjoy both activities thoroughly. And thankfully there are lots of women out there who are just as able to express this “shocking” truth. Contrary to popular misconception, women actually like to fuck just as much as men do, provided the sex is up to par. But if the person you’re in bed with has a head full of distorted ideas about sexuality and what’s an ok sexual preference, the sex can very easily get really nasty. In most cases just plain boring, but sometimes it can turn into a highly unpleasant experience. And in a worst case scenario it turns into rape. Because that’s the scale we’re dealing with. Since we’ve so thoroughly messed up the whole notion of consensual agreement we’re not even sure what we’re in for we drop our pants. And even if we actually are sure, it can all change in a heart beat. We’re playing so many games that we’ve fundamentally lost track on which one is reality. Girls aren’t supposed to want to have sex, boys are supposed to want to always have sex, just not with other boys, and women who like to have sex with other women just never had a real man. And the notion that there are some people out there who don’t even have a preference in regards to biological gender, that just confusion, right? Why, oh why, are we so fixated with all of these stupid, unfounded, bullshit ideas? What does it even matter as long as it’s consensual sex? Why do we care who fucks who? And why aren’t we all just supposed to enjoy it? It’s what it’s there for! That’s the whole point of orgasms, to be enjoyed. To make sex pleasurable. But how can it ever be just about that when we’ve programmed ourselves with all this bullshit? Because that’s the tragedy of it all, it doesn’t really matter all that much if I have “liberated myself” from this bullshit idea of women having to pretend they don’t have a sex drive if the people I’m having sex with hasn’t. If I even want to get close to getting laid I have to play by the rules of the mating game. I have to pretend I am someone I’m not, and if the game starts already there, how the hell are we ever going to be able to stop playing it once we’re actually in bed, or what ever location we decide on to have sex? How is that ever going to be possible?

My biggest problem though, is that not only do I find the stereotypes really annoying, they are also a huge turn off. The games kill my libido to the point where I find myself just desperately trying to block it all out, to pretend that I’m not actually about to have sex with a person I partly despise. And I do mean partly, because I am fully aware of the impregnation factor, that there’s actually not all that much choice involved, it’s all pretty automatic. It really all comes down to awareness, to insight, and that’s not easy nor pleasant. Seeing through the bullshit is never a nice experience and most people shun it because it’s painful. The game is not easy to avoid and I fully appreciate that the person I’m about to have sex with doesn’t actually have to be a total idiot just for playing it. But never the less there’s still that element of despise. That effort that has to be made to pretend you’re actually having sex with someone else. And I hate that. What’s the point of having sex if you can’t let yourself fully fall into the experience? If you have to block some of it out? It’s stupid. And I’m sick of having stupid sex. I want to have sex with people I don’t despise. People. Not stereotypes. And  that doesn’t exactly make it easy. Because even the most “alternative” people tend to be conservative when it comes to sex. And just to be clear, I’m not talking about bondage or orgies now, but about the whole concept of fucking. The whole spectrum. I’m sick of the games, all of them. The gender games – what is a man and what is a woman? The mating games – how do I get into your pants? The social games – how do I maintain my status? And the worst part of it all, is that it’s so damned hard to get away from it, to get rid of it in yourself. To not just get dragged along, get caught up, entangled. It’s everywhere all the time. We keep on building our image all the way into the bedroom and most of it is made up of stereotypes and prejudices. We’re so busy defining ourselves through the reflections in others that we lose track of what’s actually going on in ourselves. And that’s where the real action is. Or should be. What do I like, not what do everyone else think I should like. Male, female, straight, homo, bi; it doesn’t actually matter. None of it. But we’ve been programmed to think it genuinely does, to care about bullshit. We’re completely governed by conventions and prejudices. We’re fucked, but not in a good way. And that’s the problem, because fucking is actually supposed to be good.

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