– feeds your head
sometimes it doesn’t really take much to make or break you. the smallest shade of light at the end of the tunnel is enough to give you the strength to go on. to take that next step. to not give up. in spite of all the shit there is still a reason to go on. you get a sign that not everything is messed up just when you need it the most and that is enough to to keep you from going under. just that one sign. you don’t need much but you do need something.
and i did get something. room to breathe. time to re-group. get ready for the next blow. sometimes the universe does give you a break. and i am thankful. i really needed it. now i can get on up again. the shit stopped falling. at least for now.
if you know something is stupid, even impossible, but you still hold on to it, does that mean you are destructive? or does it mean that you are brave? that you actually dare to dream? is it about hope or stupidity in the end? what is the motivation? the underlying urge that drives you to hold on to even the most impossible of fantasies? that is what i am trying to figure out. are my dreams an expression of my destructiveness or of my courage? i have been told i have plenty of both, but which of them is at play here? at this very moment? or is it case of mistaken identity? all the courageous things i have done, maybe they were all just based on the desire to let go and fall. i have told myself it was all about survival, but now i am not so sure. wouldn’t it have been easier to just stick with the programme? to comply, adjust? Read more of this post
when it rains it pours. creating a flood that drags you down to the bottom. back into the hole. but there comes a point when all you can do is laugh about it. because it is all just too fucking much. too much of anything just becomes ridiculous. and that applies to shit too. there is only so much you can take before it just gets silly. and then all you can do is laugh. because it is really fucking hilarious just how much things can suck and go wrong all at the exact same time. all the disasters just amount to one great big fucking joke. the universe is fucking you over big time. just toying with you. “let’s se how you cope with this shit i throw at you. right in your face sucker.” so what else is left in the end, but to laugh like the sucker you are. it is all just too damned stupid. and it almost becomes exciting to see just how much worse it can actually get. so as you drag yourself up from the floor and brace yourself for the next blow, you can’t help smiling because it’s all really just too silly.
“how do you cope? how do you manage?” i get up and i laugh. what other options are there? it’s my shit and no one else will deal with it for me, so i deal with it. i get up. but i do laugh about it. a lot.
there is something about night-time. something that just makes everything appear much clearer. the absurdities of life become apparent without the distraction of daylight. and everything that seems normal suddenly becomes surreal. it’s as if there is more room to reflect. less people awake cluttering the space with their thoughts.
the rules change at night. things that would be unthinkable in daylight are suddenly allowed. there is refuge in the dark. more tolerance. more room. the liberty to be more honest about who we really are. the questions we never ask suddenly stares us in the face. and we can sink into ourselves. if we dare.
maybe it is not really the dark we are afraid of, maybe it’s ourselves.
i know it’s stupid. if the pros and the cons are lined up the con list will be a mile long. so how come i only see the pros? how come i am so curious about something that i know is so incredibly stupid? because that is what it is all about. playing with fire. only when you run close enough to the flames to get burned is it interesting. yes, i know it is stupid, but will that stop me? i wish i could say yes, but i know myself. it will not stop me. it will not even slow me down. because i know all the cons, they are all very predictable and reasonable. they make perfect sense. but the pros are all unknowns. potentials. unwritten stories. and that’s why i will not be able to resist. because i don’t know it yet. i want to feel the warmth of the flames even though i know their danger. i want to try. just to know how it feels. just to know.
yes, i know it is stupid, but i don’t know how it feels. yet.
and somehow all the words just have to come out. so be it like this.
it’s not about ambition or desire. it’s more than that. it is about survival. about staying sane. or at least some state of mind that resembles sanity. my version of sanity. keeping the thoughts from clogging. and now without the crutch of a story. just for the sake of clearing up the mess.
that is writing. and my computer is broken. my book is out of reach. it has to come out. i will let it out here.
jc.tryps 