– feeds your head
I wish I had someone who took care of me. And when I say take care, I don’t mean take care as in nurture, I mean take care as in book that long overdue appointment with my taxman, clean up all the papers on my desk, do my laundry and paint my bedroom. Someone who could just take care of all the shit I never get around to doing until it’s almost too late. I need a life administrator, a personal assistant, someone to take care of all my bullshit. Someone who takes care of me and the mess I create. And yes, it does sound very much like wanting to have a partner or a parent. There are plenty of people who live their lives like that. But unfortunately I am not one of those people. Nor do I want to be. I was never really all that ok with having parents in the first place and the ones do I have are completely useless in all of the above areas. In fact, they would need the exact same assistance. And I suppose this statement could lead one to assume that my condition might have some sort of hereditary aspect, an assumption that could also very well be absolutely correct, but even if that is the case it doesn’t really bring me any closer the solution of my issue, so what ever. Plus, I am really way too old for parents. I need to look for the solution somewhere else. Read more of this post
I know it’s easy to see synchronicities where there actually might not be any, but still. I was making a cup of tea and with this particular tea every teabag comes with some words of supposedly eastern wisdom. And even before I looked I just knew that today’s words of wisdom were going to be a slap in the face. And so it was: “The head has to bow to the heart.” Oh yeah fuck me. Because obviously that’s precisely what I have been obsessing about for the past days – why the heart just can’t seem to get with the program. Why the heart just refuses to listen to any type of logical arguments. And if I was a different person I might have seen this act of universal face slapping as a sign and settled in on the realization that “oh my god it is true” but seeing as I am in fact me, I saw it as an incitement to dig deeper. I almost always do. I just don’t buy it. “The head has to bow to the heart.” Bite me, that’s bullshit. Even the heart has to have a reason and a reason can be found out. A reason can be understood. And there is a reason for everything. The heart is no exception. Those alleged words of wisdom is just another way of saying that you shouldn’t think too much about some things. Read more of this post
This whole life long monogamy thing, it’s a pretty new invention. This whole couples and romantic love thing. And I am wondering if it’s not just a way to keep us passive, occupied. A way to hold us back. We are fed with the dream of that perfect partner that will make your life complete. It’s all up to you to make it work. Love as the one salvation. The one and only thing that will make your life complete. The main theme of your life. And somehow it seems a bit like a hype. Unsubstantiated. Don’t get me wrong; I have nothing against love per se. I like I love. Love is a good thing. I love. It’s not about that. I just wonder if we may not have a very warped and twisted idea of what love actually is. This whole idea of romantic love. What does it actually mean? “And they lived happily ever after.” Did they? And just what the hell did they do while they were doing that? The two become one, and then what? And even more important, what happens before that? Is it all just about that one long search for the perfect partner? Is that the whole purpose? And what if you don’t find that perfect someone? What then? Does that mean you failed? Read more of this post
There are a lot of puzzling phenomena in this world. One of the more puzzling ones is nationalism: The idea that you can somehow acquire value by-proxy, without actually having to do anything actively. Passive superiority. Just because I happened to be born in this particular country I am intrinsically better than everyone who wasn’t. Seriously, how can anyone be arrogant enough to actually believe that? How pitiful are you? How mind bogglingly stupid? “I am proud to be [insert any of the hundreds of artificially constructed nation concepts here].” Why? What possible reason could you have to be proud over the fact that you happened to be born within a certain artificially constructed geographical area? Exactly how did you contribute to this random event? It’s stupid on so many levels. Not only because of the total randomness of the whole event, but also because of the simple reason that the concept of nations is a pure construction. They are not predetermined. They exist only because we have constructed them through our language and our actions. We have defined their borders and their meaning and it is an ongoing process. Constantly evolving with borders being redefined over and over again. And it’s a process not driven by a desire to better the world, but as a means to ensure the prosperity of one group at the expense of others. Us against them. It’s the tribe blown way out of proportion and taken far beyond the boundaries of the absurd. Taken to the level of idiocy. Read more of this post
A while back I saw Slipknot live. The venue wasn’t very good, nor was the actual concert, but this is not a concert review. And on a side note, I actually don’t think I would be able to write a concert review in the normal sense. Unlike a lot of people I know, I can’t remember the set list after a concert. I am not even sure of what songs were played, let alone in what order, even if it is a concert with a band whose entire body of work I know. I wouldn’t even be able to do it at gunpoint. My brain just doesn’t register the music that way. But what my brain did register was an event that took place at that particular concert.
At one point Corey Taylor, the singer, asks the audience to squat down. And everyone does. Everyone is squatting down on the floor and Corey is cheering them on up from the stage. I am just standing there. Looking at the bizarre event taking place in front of me. And I remember thinking “are they insane?” Read more of this post
I have been thinking a lot about blame lately. Casting blame. People seem to have a very strong need for doing that. Finding a scapegoat. If something goes wrong, when terrible things happen, there has to be someone to blame.
I first got to thinking about this through something that happened to a friend of mine. A terrible, tragic thing happened and hence there was a need for a scapegoat. There just had to be someone to blame for it all, because people cannot simply accept that yes, sometimes very bad things happen and it’s not always possible to find that one person whose fault it is. So blame was cast. And this is what made me think. Read more of this post
i hate waiting, yet i find myself doing exactly that all too often. i wait for other people, i wait for trains, i wait for things to start. and it’s the last thing i hate the most because that expands into my very existence. i wait for something to happen. i wait for that one thing that will change my life, make all the pieces fall into place. even tough, rationally, i know that it will most likely never happen. there are no such events in life. it just doesn’t happen like that. it is a myth. because the pieces will actually never fit. they are not made to fit. we may think so, hope so, but they just aren’t carved like that. the puzzle will stay incomplete. it will just never fit. not matter how hard we try to make it, it just won’t. because that’s life. a random row of events that simply do not make sense. there is no plan. all we do is stumble around in this world and try to convince ourselves that what we do actually does make sense. that it actually has a meaning. but deep down we all know that’s just a lie we use to not go insane. something we tell ourselves to get the strength to go on. to keep facing all the pointless events of life. you love and you lose and you try and you fail. and you keep on trying even though you know there is absolutely no point. in the end we die no matter what we have done when we lived. it is all completely and utterly pointless. Read more of this post
as long as i can remember people have been telling me i am weird. and if they want to be nice they say i am a “very special person”. and i am a freak. and i’m fine with that. but i do get confused a lot. by people and their actions. i constantly find myself wondering what actually happened. people say and do the strangest things and sometimes i just have a very hard time figuring out why.
a lot of times i think it has to do with selfishness. most people are not capable of reflecting on their own behaviour, to put themselves in perspective, realise that the universe does not revolve around them. actions have consequences and all the things you do have an impact. we are not alone in the world. but looking at the way people act it they appear to be oblivious to this. everyone is so preoccupied with themselves they don’t even notice the world around them. and they never stop to look at their own role in what happens. it’s like they don’t understand that it is a question about input and output. that their reactions determine the responses they get. that you are responsible for your own life. you can’t change the world or the people in it, all you can change is how you react to it. and i have a really hard time understanding why this isn’t obvious to everyone. Read more of this post
There are a lot of intoxicating substances that are illegal in our society. They have been given this status because they are claimed to be a threat to public health, and through their status as illegal all consumers of these substances become criminals with all the stigma that involves. In addition to this, since these substances are propagated as being dangerous, anyone who uses them will also be considered stupid and destructive. Then there are some intoxicating substances that are not illegal, like alcohol, and this puzzles me because if there is one drug that really makes people stupid and destructive it’s alcohol. Drunk people are extremely annoying for so many reasons. They are slow, clumsy and violent. When you are drunk you turn into a more primitive version of yourself. A person that will do and say things you wouldn’t dream of when you are sober. But for some reason this is ok because you are drunk. It’s sanctioned by all social rules. You go out, get drunk and make a complete fool of yourself and forget half the things you have said and done and wake up with a headache and nausea and then you tell yourself you must have had a really great night last night. Yeah, for sure… Read more of this post
jc.tryps 