– feeds your head
Last night on my way home I ran into an old “acquaintance”. I hadn’t seen him since new years and I haven’t seem him in daylight since last summer. It was a very brief encounter on the U-Bahn platform and not much was said. But the one thing that struck me was that he had aged. He looked older. I could see that one year that had passed. It was nothing dramatic, just a few more lines here and there, but still a testimony to the passing of time.
It’s happening to me a lot these days. I run into people who I haven’t seen in a while, people my age, and it hits me that they have aged. Noticeably. I can see their age in their faces. Not in a bad way, it’s more like they for the first time actually have an age. Like just started happening. And for some reason that scares me a little. Read more of this post
I am a writer. But I am also a dyslexic. And if you have read some of the previous post here, you may have noticed that. And yes, I love spell check programs, but they don’t catch everything. (Spell check program. Isn’t that a fantastic name by the way? A program that makes sure that your magic is correct.)
So, writing and dyslexia. Strange combination one might think. And in a way I suppose it is, but at the same time I think my dyslexia has actually made language and writing even dearer to me. The fact that I had really had to struggle for it and never took it for granted made me realize just how valuable it is. Because learning how to read didn’t come easy to me. I was not one of those kids who just pick it up on their own. For me it was a fight. But I wanted it so badly that there was never even a question about the outcome. I entered that fight to win. And I did. I finally conquered the art of written communication and there hasn’t been a day since that I haven’t cherished and celebrated that victory. Read more of this post
i hate waiting, yet i find myself doing exactly that all too often. i wait for other people, i wait for trains, i wait for things to start. and it’s the last thing i hate the most because that expands into my very existence. i wait for something to happen. i wait for that one thing that will change my life, make all the pieces fall into place. even tough, rationally, i know that it will most likely never happen. there are no such events in life. it just doesn’t happen like that. it is a myth. because the pieces will actually never fit. they are not made to fit. we may think so, hope so, but they just aren’t carved like that. the puzzle will stay incomplete. it will just never fit. not matter how hard we try to make it, it just won’t. because that’s life. a random row of events that simply do not make sense. there is no plan. all we do is stumble around in this world and try to convince ourselves that what we do actually does make sense. that it actually has a meaning. but deep down we all know that’s just a lie we use to not go insane. something we tell ourselves to get the strength to go on. to keep facing all the pointless events of life. you love and you lose and you try and you fail. and you keep on trying even though you know there is absolutely no point. in the end we die no matter what we have done when we lived. it is all completely and utterly pointless. Read more of this post
as long as i can remember people have been telling me i am weird. and if they want to be nice they say i am a “very special person”. and i am a freak. and i’m fine with that. but i do get confused a lot. by people and their actions. i constantly find myself wondering what actually happened. people say and do the strangest things and sometimes i just have a very hard time figuring out why.
a lot of times i think it has to do with selfishness. most people are not capable of reflecting on their own behaviour, to put themselves in perspective, realise that the universe does not revolve around them. actions have consequences and all the things you do have an impact. we are not alone in the world. but looking at the way people act it they appear to be oblivious to this. everyone is so preoccupied with themselves they don’t even notice the world around them. and they never stop to look at their own role in what happens. it’s like they don’t understand that it is a question about input and output. that their reactions determine the responses they get. that you are responsible for your own life. you can’t change the world or the people in it, all you can change is how you react to it. and i have a really hard time understanding why this isn’t obvious to everyone. Read more of this post
i am trying to figure out if there is any connection between the music i like. is there anything linking jeff buckley, carcass, aphex twin, beastie boys and mussorgsky? and i am thinking there must be. either music moves me or it doesn’t and i wonder what it is that stirs me.
i pay a lot of attention to music. if i hate the music that’s on i really have trouble holding it together. it gets to me. gets on my nerves. if i am in a place where i can’t stand the music is being played i really have to get out. bad music really makes me feel like shit. and i think that where music hits me – in my mood. that’s why the music has to fit. i can’t listen to isis if i don’t feel like isis. and i can’t listen to the hidden cameras if i don’t feel like the hidden cameras. but i really like both bands. do they have anything in common? well i suppose so. Read more of this post
if you know something is stupid, even impossible, but you still hold on to it, does that mean you are destructive? or does it mean that you are brave? that you actually dare to dream? is it about hope or stupidity in the end? what is the motivation? the underlying urge that drives you to hold on to even the most impossible of fantasies? that is what i am trying to figure out. are my dreams an expression of my destructiveness or of my courage? i have been told i have plenty of both, but which of them is at play here? at this very moment? or is it case of mistaken identity? all the courageous things i have done, maybe they were all just based on the desire to let go and fall. i have told myself it was all about survival, but now i am not so sure. wouldn’t it have been easier to just stick with the programme? to comply, adjust? Read more of this post
i know it’s stupid. if the pros and the cons are lined up the con list will be a mile long. so how come i only see the pros? how come i am so curious about something that i know is so incredibly stupid? because that is what it is all about. playing with fire. only when you run close enough to the flames to get burned is it interesting. yes, i know it is stupid, but will that stop me? i wish i could say yes, but i know myself. it will not stop me. it will not even slow me down. because i know all the cons, they are all very predictable and reasonable. they make perfect sense. but the pros are all unknowns. potentials. unwritten stories. and that’s why i will not be able to resist. because i don’t know it yet. i want to feel the warmth of the flames even though i know their danger. i want to try. just to know how it feels. just to know.
yes, i know it is stupid, but i don’t know how it feels. yet.
jc.tryps 